Thursday, October 17, 2013

A difficult post to share

For the past 5 weeks I've been wanting to scream from the rooftops "I'm having a baby." I shared the news with friends and family the day I found out, but I've tried to not get emotional about it because I have miscarried in the past.

The experience in the past was pretty terrible. We hadn't planned our first pregnancy, but we were excited. We only knew for a week before I lost it. The pain was worse than any period I ever had. I spent the night in the ER as I could not walk and passed out due to the pain. I felt ashamed to speak about it. I was terrified that I did something that caused my loss.

It wasn't until after we reached 12 weeks with Emily that I started to feel a little relief, but I was still nervous. I finally talked to friends about my experience. I wished I had spoken to friends when it happened, as I would have understood that it was very common, but just a taboo subject. In fact, 25% of pregnancies are lost due to miscarriage.

It took me a while to understand and comprehend that I did not cause it, although it was always in the back of my head that maybe I could have done something more.

Today I am having to relive that day. I am again lying down in pain and agony. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the child I was going to have will not be born. My ideal plan of my kids being 18 months apart will not happen. I have to wait even longer until I meet my second child. I will no longer be 37 when my next child will be born, but that's not really the point. I'm grieving for a child I never knew, a heartbeat I never heard and an ultrasound I never saw.

I know I will have my second child when it is time and meant to be. I love my daughter with all my heart and I will cherish our time together while its just her.


4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Erin

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love you, Jen. Emily is adorable and you are right to want to enjoy your time with just her. It doesn't matter when you have your second child. There are all different kinds of families. Emily will just be that much more the wise, protective, big sister when you have your next one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! I had not heard about the expecting part but since I have not been there the only comfort I can share is that you are not alone in what you are experiencing as my best friend has one living child out of 7 pregnancies. Yes God is in control here and knows what you and David both need as well as Emily so enjoy the 3 of you for the time being.

    ReplyDelete
  4. it is so so very sad. I know you will heal, and when the time is right, you will meet your second child. My Mom had a large number of miscarriages, which was one reason I chose to not have kids at all. I am sending you strength! You will get there. Hugs to you , David & Emily!

    ReplyDelete